and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the day after is always just damage control
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
