There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
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He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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