I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
