we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
