He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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