break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
