I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
