Old men and throwing up are my life now.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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