So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
