this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
40s are totally the cure
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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