i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
