So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
