I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
