ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize