Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
