You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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