he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
