when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
