i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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