My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
