My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
