So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
