My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
