i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
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he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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