The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
