Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
