i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
