We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
