I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
