My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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