I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
