Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
