she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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