well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
