Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How does it feel to date your dad?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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