Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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