I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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