Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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