Someone shit on the floor
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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