you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
