Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
