Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
