so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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