Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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