i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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