The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
