dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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