Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
