i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
