So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
