Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
