dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
