I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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