I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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