She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
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Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
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Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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