Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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