I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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