you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
