Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
farters have to be the big spoon...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
